This post is about my biggest trial in life. I have been going through this ever since I can remember. One time I remember being 11 or 12 and I was curled up in a ball in the corner of my room (the blue room) and crying. I was in so much pain. My body hurt like I had just been hit by a truck and my heart felt like it was being ripped in two. I am talking about depression, the blues, anxiety, PMS, or just having a bad day...whatever you want to call it. This is a song that really hits home to me now. I picture Brandon singing it and wonder how he feels as he watches me go through my down times. ROB THOMAS - Her Diamonds Oh what the hell she says I just can't win for losing And she lays back down Man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doin' Like I don't know now By the light of the moon She rubs her eyes Says it's funny how the night Can make you blind I can just imagine And I don't know what I'm supposed to do But if she feels bad then I do too So I let her be And she says oooh I can't take no more Her tears like diamonds on the floor And her diamonds bring me down Cuz I can't help her now She's down in it She tried her best and now she can't win it's Hard to see them on the ground Her diamonds falling down She sits down and stares into the distance And it takes all night And I know I could break her concentration But it don't feel right By the light of the moon She rubs her eyes Sits down on the bed and starts to cry And there's something less about her And I don't know what I'm supposed to do So I sit down and I cry too And don't let her see And she says oooh I can't take no more Her tears like diamonds on the floor And her diamonds bring me down Cuz I can't help her now She's down in it She tried her best and now she can't win it's Hard to see them on the ground Her diamonds falling down She shuts out the night Tries to close her eyes If she can find daylight She'll be all right She'll be all right Just not tonight And she says oooh I can't take no more Her tears like diamonds on the floor And her diamonds bring me down Cuz I can't help her now She's down in it She tried her best and now she can't win it's Hard to see them on the ground Her diamonds falling down All this time I have spent so much time trying to get away from these feelings. I have been so afraid of these times because there is no foreshadowing. At times there is no straw to "break the camels back". When it hits...so does fear. I have been so afraid that it will never go away. I have felt like I was sinking. That I didn't deserve the world around me. Now...I am learning. I have been working on learning to grow WITH the hard times instead of running. Here are a few things that I have been doing and learning so that I can get through... I track my down times to see if there is a pattern. I keep Brandon aware of my feelings so that he can watch me. I realize that this may never go away but I can help others through it. I keep up with Personal Scripture study and prayer. If I feel it coming on I get out and do something. (hard but it helps) I try not to complain to others but to have positive conversation. (also hard) I hope that if anyone reads this who struggles that they'll take comfort in knowing that many women go through this. Also that they will try to grasp that this might never go away but there are ways to work through it. To Brandon, who is always here for me, Thank You! I know that I go through this every month and that it's hard for you to understand but I appreciate you. It comforts me to know that you're always there rubbing my back and handing me tissues. I love that you understand when I don't want to talk about it (again)but I just want you to hold me till it passes. Thank you for all of the long night...even though you have work the next day. I love you, I love you, I love you!
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