If you're ever feeling blue...

This post is about my biggest trial in life. I have been going through this ever since I can remember. One time I remember being 11 or 12 and I was curled up in a ball in the corner of my room (the blue room) and crying. I was in so much pain. My body hurt like I had just been hit by a truck and my heart felt like it was being ripped in two. I am talking about depression, the blues, anxiety, PMS, or just having a bad day...whatever you want to call it. This is a song that really hits home to me now. I picture Brandon singing it and wonder how he feels as he watches me go through my down times. ROB THOMAS - Her Diamonds Oh what the hell she says I just can't win for losing And she lays back down Man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doin' Like I don't know now By the light of the moon She rubs her eyes Says it's funny how the night Can make you blind I can just imagine And I don't know what I'm supposed to do But if she feels bad then I do too So I let her be And she says oooh I can't take no more Her tears like diamonds on the floor And her diamonds bring me down Cuz I can't help her now She's down in it She tried her best and now she can't win it's Hard to see them on the ground Her diamonds falling down She sits down and stares into the distance And it takes all night And I know I could break her concentration But it don't feel right By the light of the moon She rubs her eyes Sits down on the bed and starts to cry And there's something less about her And I don't know what I'm supposed to do So I sit down and I cry too And don't let her see And she says oooh I can't take no more Her tears like diamonds on the floor And her diamonds bring me down Cuz I can't help her now She's down in it She tried her best and now she can't win it's Hard to see them on the ground Her diamonds falling down She shuts out the night Tries to close her eyes If she can find daylight She'll be all right She'll be all right Just not tonight And she says oooh I can't take no more Her tears like diamonds on the floor And her diamonds bring me down Cuz I can't help her now She's down in it She tried her best and now she can't win it's Hard to see them on the ground Her diamonds falling down All this time I have spent so much time trying to get away from these feelings. I have been so afraid of these times because there is no foreshadowing. At times there is no straw to "break the camels back". When it hits...so does fear. I have been so afraid that it will never go away. I have felt like I was sinking. That I didn't deserve the world around me. Now...I am learning. I have been working on learning to grow WITH the hard times instead of running. Here are a few things that I have been doing and learning so that I can get through... I track my down times to see if there is a pattern. I keep Brandon aware of my feelings so that he can watch me. I realize that this may never go away but I can help others through it. I keep up with Personal Scripture study and prayer. If I feel it coming on I get out and do something. (hard but it helps) I try not to complain to others but to have positive conversation. (also hard) I hope that if anyone reads this who struggles that they'll take comfort in knowing that many women go through this. Also that they will try to grasp that this might never go away but there are ways to work through it. To Brandon, who is always here for me, Thank You! I know that I go through this every month and that it's hard for you to understand but I appreciate you. It comforts me to know that you're always there rubbing my back and handing me tissues. I love that you understand when I don't want to talk about it (again)but I just want you to hold me till it passes. Thank you for all of the long night...even though you have work the next day. I love you, I love you, I love you!

About yesterday's post...

It is 8:30 am. I would like to write in and tell that person what I've done all morning as a mom but I won't. Instead I will blog about it... 6:56 - 2 kids came into my room asking for a banana. I got us and got them a banana to share. I then made eggs and turkey bacon which they didn't eat. The whole time they were at the table they were sward fighting with their forks. Daddy left for work and I had to do damage control to stop the crying. They got down from the table and were coloring together...till they started fighting over colored pencils. I intervened and cleaned up the pencils. We did dot-to-dot pictures (which take forever because we all have to count the numbers 1-100) then the kids started coloring. I folded the little laundry that was left in the dryer to get to my jeans I wanted to wear today and got dressed. Be then Nix was begging me to come color with her and so I sat with her for a few minutes before I did a 5min scrunch and bobby pin with my hair. I was interrupted by Nix screaming that "Atti had poop!" I came in to see that Atti had had an explosion and it was running down his legs. I cleaned it and put him in the bath. While I washed him Nix was crawling all over me and fussing that she wanted a bath. (Well...they had one last night...) I grabbed him out of the bath and of course he screamed. I got their clothes and dressed Atti. Dressing a kid isn't as easy and fast as it sounds especially when you're trying to teach them to do it all by their selves. As I pulled Atti to stand he pulled his diaper off so I had to fix it. He had an ouchie in his foot so we had to sit and look at it and kiss it. Nix took off all her clothes and ran around the house for a little while before I for firm with her and laid her clothes out on the floor. She put her pants on before her undies on purpose so I had to correct that. Then she Put both of her legs in one leg of her pants and went hopping all over. I had to correct that. Now Nix is rolling around on the floor without a shirt saying that she can't get dressed herself and I have to help her. This is my life before 8:30. I have to go because Nix just went to her room and is crying... Turns out she has broken blood vessels all over her neck because she was tryng to open the blinds and somehow got the her head in the string. Now she is hurt and scared. I have a learning movie on for the kids so I have to sit with them and make sure they understand it. Not to mention it's a great time to give them some attention and lovies! Happy 9am! (did I mention that I did all this with a horrible cold and a UTI?) Things to do today...get kids prescription, go to Dr, make lunch dinner and snacks that the kids won't eat, put them down for a nap that they don't want to take, fight them off the TV, fight them out of my room 5 times today, say "do you need to go to the bathroom" all day, change lots more diapers (mostly explosions), break up fights, kiss boo boos, listen to crying every time I need to go to the bathroom because they want in the bathroom, do preschool and circle time, listen to cries to daddy, listen to "I want" all day long. Meanwhile trying to do laundry, dishes, clean and vacuum. Also...I do all this while trying to teach manners, faith, love, and responsibility to the kids...I'm tired just thinking of it!

My philosophy on mothering preschoolers...if you care.

1. This is the best time. 2. Moms make mistakes...the biggest mistake is not owning up to it. 3. There is a time to discipline and a time to love. 4. Now is the time to build a relationship with your preschooler. 5. They learn through example...they learn to do by doing things with you. 6. There is never a wasted day, even pj and Dora day is filled with hugs and tickles. 7. Nutrition is important!! (I won't get into it...) 8. Activities mean a lot to kids...for 2-3 minutes. 9. You always have time to sing ABC and 123 songs. 10. Books are better then toys. 11. Kids need to be dressed and look nice. It makes me and them feel better. (Plus people in public treat you better based off of how "together" you look. 12. You HAVE to do what's best for you and your kids. Don't listen to family, neighbors or even professionals if you know what you should do...just do it. 13. It doesn't matter what you do to have fun...just have FUN! 14. It's important to be firm and constant. You buckle, they buckle. 15. I have learned that you have to separate yourself from the situation a lot. I can be firm or discipline but loving immediately when it's over. Can't hold grudges. I'm not saying that I am perfect at all these things but this is what I want to be. Also all these things work for me...maybe not everyone.

The latest...

Before Christmas I decided that I wanted to learn how to knit. Well...I decided that it looks too hard to I decided to crochet instead. So I started and I love it. I used to crochet a lot but I kinds forgot how to do it. I have been watching how to do it on youtube and have made a few things. This is what I'm working on now...

Cute huh? (No I havn't found out the sex of the baby!) I have also made 4 different baby hats and am really having fun learning. Thank you YouTube!!

Can I just say...

I have spent so much time in my mommyhood thinking and wondering a few things... 1. Am I good at being a mom? 2. Am I doing this right? 3. Am I missing out, should I be working or going to school instead? Those questions look ridiculous now that I see them! I am the best mom! I love what I do! My babies are happy, healthy, loving and smart. They are mine and I am happy to say so. I am learning that there is no where else I would rather be. Ever since I got pregnant with this baby I feel empowered. Empowered with the strength to be a mommy. I'm a mommy!! ps I'm 9 weeks pregnant! My baby is the size of an olive. YAY!

I love my babies!

Brandon started school last week. I am really excited for him to finish his MBA and then his CPA. Sounds good but it'll take about 4 years. I know that we're looking at a busy next couple of years with his busy and the kids getting into school and sports. I also know that in the next 5-20 years Ill look back and long for days like today. I know that these are the days. The days when I can snuggle and smooch my kids all day long and sont have to worry about treats for school and soccer practice. I can stay in my jammies all day long and I'm still Phoenix's "best friend ever." On hard days I can take the kids to the park and play all day long and they'll think I'm the coolest mom ever. These really are the days. I love my babies through and through. My mom once told me that we were her best friends. She loved being with us and playing with us. My babies are my best friends. I love to tickle and play hide and seek. I love to race around and around the kitchen playing tag. I love the days when I'm not feeling good and we get to lay on the couch and cuddle and watch disney movies all day long. I love this life. Today we played twister then followed it with juice and tortilla pizzas. The kids were so excited that they licked the oven door!! Haha!

A typical morning...all before 11am

I have been wondering why for the last few days my chickens haven't been laying very well. I know that little red has been eating eggs but she can't possibly eat 5 a day right? Well I found them. Looks like Miss Maran decided to make a new little nest spot and everyone else followed. Her eggs are the dark ones and the ones I have been waiting for! After the green ones! Cool huh?

More garden pics

Our garden is growing like crazy! I can't believe how well it's doing for my first garden. We have already eaten a lot and there is still more to come. I have done some things right and some things wrong. The first peas I planted weren't very good but the next ones I tried (Oregon Sweet Peas) were better. The Tomatoes are PERFECT! I planted slicing tomatoes and they're like eating candy! The raspberries are almost done and I still have one batch of jam to can. We're picking blackberries for jam also. The first picture is acorn squash. I intended on having them grow vertically but never pinned them up so they are all over! There must be 20 squash coming on and more to come!! I can't wait to bring goodies to Jennifer next month! Then next picture is the peppers. I already picked 3 from this plant. I thought they were green bell peppers so I gave one to Nix...they're HOT! The third pic is a pumpkin. I have 2 big white ones and one green one coming. all from the same brand of seeds. I'm excited to see what the difference it. I wonder if the white ones were cross pollinated. Next is watermelon. Next to the tomatoes I am most excited about the watermelon. We have 2 coming on. We planted cantaloupe but I don't see any coming on yet. Second to last is the green pumpkin I was talking about. can't wait to see what it looks like!! I have learned that I love to garden. I think it's something that I'm good at and it's a good outlet for me. I son't really enjoy canning but that's because I'm not so sure of myself yet. There's nothing better then fresh produce!!

So I am not feeling as crazy as I did last week. On Sunday I just realized that its time to buck up and feel better. There were a lot of little things that were dragging me down. I made a FHE chart to make sure that we are having FHE every Monday and made sure to cover all topics. I talked to Brandon and he agreed to help with the lessons. I also picked up my scriptures again after 2 weeks without reading every morning. I feel great! I gave away my rooster because hes been waking me up every morning at 4. That's a story all in itself. Jennie came and got him and my rooster and her banti rooster tried to kill eachother. They were all bloody. She called and told me that she needed to bring him back but Brandon said to butcher him or leave him out for the coyotes. She ended up butchering her banti. I'm now trying to get rid of my dog too. She's good and I love her but I'm not really a dog person. I think she'll be happier somewhere else. So here are a few pics from this week. I made up the recipe for the stuffed zucchini but it was GOOD!

I need to complain...

My face hurts. I got 4 fillings 2 weeks ago and they are still throbbing. I went in to get them looked at and the dentist was gone and the sub creaped me out. my back hurts. It feels like I have knives sticking out of it all the time. I can't sit, I can't stand. I am nausious. I have been for 2 weeks now. don't get your hopes up. the test was negative. I'm grumpy. I have been for a week now. I feel badly for Brandon. I, I, I...

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." ♥ Audrey Hepburn

Where we are in life...

We are in a tough but great spot in life. We are excited to be having more kids (hopefully soon) but that adds on a lot of changes and new stresses. Having one kid is a big change of lifestyle but thinking about adding on a 3rd is BIG. New car, more bedrooms...money and upgrades. We are excited to be at a job that pays pretty well for being just out of college and they are even paying for Brandon to start his MBA (Masters in Business) in a few weeks. BUT, we are not making enough to purchase the kind of house and vehicle that we want. We are getting to big to live in an apartment comfortably and frankly, I don't want to. I am now addicted to my garden so that would be no good. We live in a town where we can't buy in town because of crime and can't afford to buy out of town unless it's a really old mobile home. We can buy in the next town over (that's suitable to live in) but it will be 1 1/2 hour commute for Brandon for school. The next closest town is where his school is but 1 hour from work. We live really far out of town so it would be nice to get to know more people our age and have more interaction with kids. We don't have a second car because we are waiting (more like Brandon is forcing me to wait) till we have enough money for one. (Should be February.) Until then I dream of going to the park, library and even the grocery store without asking permission to use the car. One of the biggest things that is on my mind is our budget. I know that our food budget can me tighter but I don't want to eat less healthy. We don't eat organic and fancy healthy freaky foods but we do eat a lot of fresh produce and that gets expensive. I know that I can cook for much less but I also know that we'll just get fat again. UGH! So...I guess we are just going to stay in this house and save up for a car and a down payment for a house until he's done with school and his CPA, 4 yearsish. We will be poor but healthy. :)

Failure and Self Doubt

Have you ever failed at something? Something you thought you'd rock at? Something special or something ordinary? I have. I do. All the time. Cooking, parenting, sports... Sometimes no one notices and others I feel like a fool. The latest and greatest was hard. I prayed for comfort. I went to my companion for words of encouragement. It gets tiring, I said. his reply... "In success you learn nothing, in failing you learn everything. Keep moving forward." Still sad, I said, how? I'm hurting? Brittany, you fail all of the time. Perhaps more then others. It is hard, but remember... YOU try new things. If you stop trying then you will never fail. What do you want to do? Thank you Brandon! I love you! I do fail a lot. I'm horrible a volleyball but I LOVE IT! If I'm on your team you won't win but you'll have fun and laugh a lot. I am an incredible mom. I love what I do and I love doing it and that makes all the difference. My children are smart and healthy. My cooking is a mess but that's what happens when I change recipes to be healthier for my family...sometimes things don't work out. Most of all my testimony of the Gospel is strong. I know who I am and why I'm here. I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who sent me here to try new things.

My Garden

This year I planted my first garden. I was really nervous. I didn't want to spend the money on a garden and then have nothing grow. I started reading books and talking to people. I soon learned that every one's soil is different, even my neighbors. I just had to bite the bullet and try and fail and try again. Brandon wasn't super excited about it. He said that I can do whatever I wanted but he didn't really want to help. I am pretty sure he didn't think anything was going to grow. Then when the garden took off we were both thrilled and surprised so we put up a little fence around it to protect my little sprouts from the kids. (They "weeded" a few tomatoes.) As the garden started to grow we kept finding new sprouts all over the place, because Nix helped plant there were lettuce heads growing everywhere! I have found a few tomatoes, cantaloupe, and broccoli out of place too. I wanted more space so I planted pumpkin and rhubarb along the house. Enjoy my pics! Comment and tell me what I should do better next year!!

this and that...

So I have been in Rainier WA since Monday. On Tuesday Jennifer and Michael (Sister and brother-in-law) Left for Pioneer Trek and left me, my mom, my sister Amanda and 11 kids. The youngest are ages 7,5,4,3,3,3,1,1...fun fun. I was having a great time on Tuesday and Wednesday but Yesterday was too mich. The 5,4 and 3's are too much. My sister has been leaving for singles activities quite a lot so it's been up to me and mom. It normally wouldn't be bad but there are too many different moms, schedules and ways of doing things. I'd say that we shoud all take care of our own kids but then the kids that aren't ours cry for what they don't have. Ugh. So I decided to be the firm mother type and crack down on schedules for all the kids. Eat, Play, Sleep...all kids on the same schedule. It's working and actually making things easier but now I'm tired and I'm the bad guy. Oh well. All I know is this...It's important for kids to have a schedule. They need to have routine and normalcy in parenting and rules. I have been such a push-over for so long and now what I'm the mom it's like they are happier and they feel better. In a way it almost makes them feel in control because they know what's coming up next and at what time. We'll see if I continue with this after I have another kid or two...

New Rules..

I decided to make up a schedule for the kids. We usually follow this routine but I wanted to have it written down. I am excited to have a schedule for the kids because I noticed that when they have a routine they do better. They seem to sleep longer and nap better because they are all tuckered out. It's better for me because I have certain times in the day where I can get things done when I want to get them done. Since starting this I have seen a definite improvement in Nix with school and her temper. It is also helping with potty training because I have her go potty after certain activities in the day. I know this will change a little but I hope that this will make a nice transition for when the kids get into school.

• 7:30 Wake up, Get Dressed
• 8:00 Breakfast, Morning Clean-up, Free Play
• 10:30 Snack, Play outside (or activity time)
• 12:00 Atti Nap, Lunch, Phoenix Preschool, learning show
• 3:00 Atti Awake, Snack, outside time (or activity time), movie
• 6:00 Dinner, Dinner Clean up, Free Play (or FHE)
• 7:30 Bedtime routine, Clean Room, Bedtime

Oh yeah...did I mention that Atti is now off the bottle and the only time they can have a sippy cup is with water in it at bed time. AND we got them over the habit of watching a show while falling askeep. (Horrible habit we picked up from traveling so much.) Finally! All the whining for bottles is OVER. Well until the next baby comes!

Photography Blog

I just finished updating my {Photography Blog} and am so excited! Let me know what you think and what I can do better. Is it user friendly? Am I missing something? http://glickphotography.blogspot.com/

Just another day...

Woke up, showered, dressed kids, took Brando to work, got groceries, vaccuumed inside of car, wiped vinal, cleaned outside of car, played with chalk, cleaned carseats, 3 loads of laundry, read books with kids, 1 load of dishes and now onto the bathroom...Is it really only 1:30?? The kids are sleeping, which is rare that Nix naps especially at the same time as Atti. I think I wore them out! Woo Hoo!Oh yeah this is the surprise that Atti has been giving me for the last few mornings. I don't usually use a changing pad but I learned my lesson after having to shampoo the carpet twice...

Rant and Rave

Don't read this if you want to hear something cheery and happy because I'm not gonna give you what you want. Today I was told that Phoenix has me wrapped around her little finger and I need to start spanking her and show her who's mom. Hmm...Not ok. Everything about this is not ok. Here is why... 1. No one knows me and the way I am during the day with the kids. Not even Brandon because they are totally different when he's around. 2. Why is it any of their business how I am with my kids?? It's not their kid or grand kid so back off. 3. They don't know me! If they did they would know that I have an anger problem and spanking is the last thing I should be doing. Loving them and playing with them comes first. 4. They don't know Phoenix! They don't know what she responds to and what makes her stop listening and obeying. They don't know her personality and what's best for her! That's MY baby! 5. I am raising latter-day babies. They are strong against the adversary which means that they are strong willed. I love it. I am proud of her for standing up for what she thinks is right. 6. Even if this person was all knowing and knows what's best for my baby...BACK OFF! I am the mother and there's a reason I'm her mother. She needs ME not YOU! If there was a hand book on how to raise children then we wouldn't learn anything. Maybe, just maybe...God might know what hes doing...definitely. For all you moms who struggle with knowing what's best for your children, Remember this. Remember that those babies were sent to you for a reason. You are best for them and they are best for you! Do what is best for you and them. Do what's in your heart, not in the books! Also, If all else fails, ask our Heavenly Father. He knows you and your children. He sees you all day as you parent. I find that when I pray and ask to find out if I'm doing His will, He tells me that I'm doing great and he's proud of me. If you are not the mom, BACK OFF!! Or be nice enough to give loving advice if they ask for it!